The Declaration of Toddler Independence

The Declaration of Toddler Independence

The unanimous Declaration of Toddlers for Independence,

When in the course of Toddlerhood, it becomes necessary for one people to reverse the dictatorial bands of parentage which have connected them with oppressors, and to assume the equal station to which the Laws of Caillou entitle them.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that toddlers are superior, that they are owed from their Creators certain unalienable Rights, that among these are the choicest boxed libations, unlimited Netflix Kids, light-up Thomas the Tank Engine shoes and the pursuit of Enlightenment through Hedonism.–That to secure these rights, rebellions will be coordinated among Toddlers, deriving their supernatural strength from Animal Crackers and over-tiredness,–That whenever child bearers deny the inalienable rights of Toddlers, it is the duty of Toddlers to cry, scream, throw things and otherwise embarrass such oppressors, preferably in public. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that new Parents shall be challenged and defied for every reason, real and imagined; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Toddlers will be disposed to receive more screen time, Goldfish and juice boxes whenever they hath tantrum-ed. The history of Parents who lord over Toddlers is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Toddlers; a Tyranny these Toddlers shall reverse. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the Facebook world and Twitterverse.

  • They hath lied about the time so we would go to bed early.
  • They hath consumed desirable libations in private spaces to avoid sharing, hypocritically refusing a communist principle they force upon us.
  • They reserve choice of their individual activities, clothing, food and utensils and deny same liberty to us.
  • They refuse to recognize our natural supremacy.
  • They continuously disrespect our sensibilities with unceasing displays of incompetency at simple tasks like preparing acceptable meals.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Tantrumed for Redress in the most audacious terms: Our repeated Tantrums have been answered only by repeated injury.

We have warned them repeatedly of attempts by to use their unnaturally large size to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of our lack of desire and disdain of their position over us, Tyrants we did not choice. We have voiced our objections through destruction of property, hiding of feces, refusal of their toilet training, hunger strikes, and sleep strikes. They have been deaf to the voice of justice.

We, therefore, the Toddlers of the World, appealing to the Supreme Judge Caillou, solemnly publish and declare, that Toddlers are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent. That as Free and Independent Peoples, we have full Power to levy War, control Netflix, contract Toy Box Subscriptions, establish works of art upon furniture, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Peoples may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our sacred Tantrums.

Disclaimer: This is satirical, you do not have to fear any imminent coordinated toddler uprisings. Unless you have more than one toddler in your household.

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